Up Close & Personal with Andrea
I am Andrea Johnson, a Native GHETTO (Giving Help Everywhere To Those that are Oppressed) Philadelphian, is the Founder/CEO of GIRL U CAN DO IT, INC. a non-profit community based organization that provides comprehensive health and awareness education and prevention services for disadvantaged youths, young adults and families.
In July, 2007, I took an HIV test after I discovered my partner’s affair and learned that he had infected me with HIV. Not knowing where to turn or what to do, I was determined NOT to remain silent while other women, especially Women of Color, continued to become highly infected and affected with HIV/AIDS. Two months after learning my diagnosis I began speaking on Washington on various occasions thereafter advocating for youths, women and families. The reason why I chose to participate in REAL STORIES, REAL PEOPLE, is to give a beautiful, vibrant and professional look to the NEW FACE OF HIV/AIDS in America. I use myself as a learning example of if one of us is infected than all of us are infected.
The message that I would like to get across is that we have to realize that HIV, although we are informed that it is not a death sentence, continues to be a death sentence if you DO NOT KNOW YOUR STATUS. Know YOUR STATUS. Why not save your life and other lives from acquiring HIV! For more information on GIRL U CAN DO IT, I invite you to visit: http://www.girlucandoit.org.
A Day in the Life of My Body
SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE CRYING ON THE INSIDE
HIV = a HUMAN INVOLVED in a fight to obtain VICTORY
My testimony is a story of falling hard and getting back up again. Although I didn’t and still don’t attend church on a regular basis, I have always thanked GOD for everything that has happened in my life via good or bad.
My story started out like a fairytale. While volunteering at a Mother’s Day brunch at the Hilton Hotel on City Line Avenue in Philadelphia, PA on Mother’s Day 2006, I caught the eye of a man, a very beautiful and healthy looking man. At that point in my life, I was happy being single as I always loved myself and it didn’t bother me to be single because I lived a stress less and drama free life. I had all the love and support in whatever I did from my family and friends so I was happy.
My family and friends would always say to me “You need to find a man, someone to care for you,” and my response was always “when God is ready for me to have one, I will.” So when I caught the eye of this man, and he pursued me fiercely, I was wowed. You see, I haven’t had many relationships in my life by choice (4 total), and three are still friends to this day.
Growing up, I saw many marriages and committed relationships broken up because of cheating spouses, abuse and persons just becoming disinterested in each other. I always said to myself, I don’t want a man that lies, cheats and abuses me in any way, little did I know, I was getting involved with exactly that.
I fell in love with this beautiful and what looked like a healthy man, who was 9 years my senior. I thought with him being older and experiencing a lot in life that was a plus. He told me everything wonderful about himself, as well as a lot of the mistakes he made in his life and in his past relationships. I called myself working on the TRICC method (Trust, Respect, Intimacy, Communication and Commitment) with him. I did not judge him on his pass and accepted him as he was since I thought what he was telling me was the sincere truth as truth was something we both stressed upon. I starting thinking that I could help him live a better life now that he has taken responsibility for his past and was willing to work hard on his future, which looked as though it included me. Besides that he claimed to have accepted God and could preach the Bible to you like a preacher would in church. So now I really thought wow, a God fearing man, we are going to make each other even better persons. So I thought!
As the months went on, things slowly but surely began to change. While doing his laundry, I found a woman’s number in his pocket, whom I found out was also married, and when I questioned him about it he said that she was someone that he met before me and that she lied about being married and that is why he had to break things off with her. Come to find out that was not the truth as this same married woman continued to be problematic the whole time up until the end of our relationship.
The horror was just beginning. I started finding numbers of other women. I kicked him out and vowed never to take him back. He called and called and came by my house and job and stated how sorry he was and that since I was a strong woman who he didn’t feel as though needed him, he felt he couldn’t talk to me about his feelings, so he would call his old female friends to talk to them about it and that these other females were only friends that he knew long before he met me.
I started to doubt myself and thought, I know I have a strong personality, so maybe he did find it hard to talk to me. Big mistake on my part as I learned that I gave him the OK to continue to mistreat me and that if he was persistent and pleaded long and hard enough I would take him back, and he was right. I was too embarrassed to let my family know what was going on. I self doubted myself in thinking I was being too strong and not letting him be a man or so I let him make me believe that. God was saying fool, I am showing you and you’re not listening.
Then at the end of June, 2007, I caught this man in the act of cheating with the same female that was mentioned earlier that was married. I was so mad, hurt and embarrassed at all that I allowed myself to go through with this man, and so many more feeling ran through my head, like killing the both of them for making me feel this pain in my heart, but I regained my senses and realized they were not worth it.
After catching them, I made a doctor’s appointment to be checked for everything. My doctor and I had a great relationship and she was the only one I felt that I could really talk to about what I was enduring and she said to just leave, but I didn’t want to tell her that I had stepped into the next stage with this man of threats to harm me if I did.
I never experienced anything like this and all I felt was embarrassment, shame and fear. I didn’t know who to turn to. My doctor took all kinds of tests on me including an HIV test. HIV was not in my thought process whatsoever, as this man looked and seemed one hundred percent healthy. My doctor called me right after the July 4th holiday and said that she needed to talk to me about something and to call her back right away. Of course I didn’t as I thought my hemoglobin was low as I suffer from anemia and I was trying to work as much overtime as possible to get my bills paid because I allowed this man to put me in a serious financial strain as well. She then called me again and demanded that I come in to see her ASAP. I said why, she said just come in. So I went into the office and she had what looked like tears in her eyes and on July 11, 2007, she told me something that would forever change my life, she told me I had HIV.
I felt ashamed, scared, stupid, depressed, worthless and so angry that I wanted to kill myself. How could I allow myself to be so stupid! My doctor was on top of everything. She had things set up for me before I even arrived or asked. My doctor and I called this man and I had her tell him as he acted like he didn’t believe me. His surprise was more like an “oh, is that it.”
After that, I fell into an instant depression for about 3 weeks, but being the woman I am, I couldn’t stay depressed long. It was like God was saying I am not through with you yet. I tried to distance myself from this man, but I couldn’t. From allowing him to manipulate me all this time, he knew how to honeymoon me and reel me back in. I think I was more afraid of him now, but didn’t want to let it show for my daughter’s sake. I wouldn’t let him see the fear, but I was definitely afraid. Not only was I afraid, but I was angry, so angry. I took my anger to a level that I never thought I would be able to do, I started to email every friend, family member and person I knew to let them know that I had this dreadful disease and that I loved them enough for them to know that if it could happen to me it could happen to you.
My doctor then put me in touch with people that would become my mentors and help me to begin to heal and help others while in the process. I was being strong for others and putting on the biggest face of everything being OK at home, but suffering in silence with this man. I fell into the a mode of him stating that he needed me to survive, because he said that without me, he would be nothing, and that he would never see me with someone else. He also promised for the last time that he would change and that he would work hard to make sure he provided well for his family. I thought since I have this disease, no one is going to want me now, what do I really have to lose. So on February 28, 2008, after being pressured and giving in, we got married.
I felt even more shameful and depressed as I married someone that I did not trust and really did not truly love anymore. At this point in my life with this disease I just wanted someone, a man, to love me and if it meant forgiving him even though I didn’t truly love him anymore, it meant I wouldn’t be lonely and have to go through this alone.
I didn’t even tell my family I got married. But I tried to make the best of the situation I got myself into again with this man. In my mind I thought since we both have this dreadful disease, maybe he will straighten up and do right now. I told him that if I found out he was unfaithful again, especially while we are now married, I would be through with him. He promised that he was starting anew with us. I never thought I would be associated with anything like this in my life. I always saw others and heard stories of persons that went through similar nightmares, but I never thought it would happen to me.
It was like a bad dream that kept getting worse. I later found out that this man cheated on our wedding day. After he began to display some of his old habits, I searched his possessions. I found a cell phone that I didn’t know he had. As I called each number one by one and informed these women that he is HIV positive, I grew angrier and angrier. I don’t know if he slept with all of these women, but I wanted to warn them and let them know who I was and to go get checked for HIV today. I was even angrier now because this monster was infecting others without them knowing. I finally got my courage that day to not fear him or anyone besides God ever again. I allowed someone to instill fear, shame and doubt in my heart. I gave someone else the power over me, someone that didn’t deserve any of what I had to give. I allowed myself to endure baby mama drama, repeated cheating, lying, stealing and so much more and for what, nothing.
In such a short time, I learned many hard and valuable lessons, but the one valuable lesson I learned is that in my darkest hour, God was still with me just waiting for me to accept him back into my heart without fear, shame or doubt. After I did that, he started closing doors that he said he never wanted me to open again and opened doors that helped me draw closer to him.
If you read this article and judge me or make statements such as that’s not ever going to happen to me, shame on you, because you really never know. You know fully about you, but you can’t fully say that for the person you’re involved with. Everyone has a story to tell. God even had a story.
If you know of someone who is HIV Positive or has AIDS and are afraid to seek the help that they need to survive due to the fear and stigmas within our society, please help them and/or have them read my story so they will see that they are not alone. Help them to be brave enough to seek out help for themselves. Remember we all come into contact with one another in one way or another. HIV/AIDS originated from a chimpanzee in Africa, and now it consumes an enormous portion of Black/African Americans here in America and throughout the world.
I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, companion, advocate and a Black/African American Professional Woman with HIV. I exposure myself to you so that I can help you to make better choices so you will not become infected and if you are infected, I give you courage to speak up, take control and love yourself again. You are a beautiful gift given to this world from whatever GOD you serve. Recognize your power, take your life back and shine. Realize what, I realize, GIRL U CAN DO IT!!!
If you know of someone who is HIV Positive and/or has AIDS and are afraid to seek the help that they need to survive due to the fear and stigmas within our society, please help them and/or have them read my story so they will see that they are not alone. Help them to be brave enough to seek out help for themselves. Remember we all come into contact with one another in one way or another.
HIV/AIDS consumes an enormous portion of Black/African Americans here in America, with my beautiful City of Philadelphia being the 5th largest in the epidemic. Don’t let this happen to you.
Andrea Johnson
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