Up Close & Personal with Michelle
I found out I was HIV + when I
was in my early thirties from a letter a person whom I was in a relationship
with. I was written a letter while I was
in Jail and he was in prison, explaining they had tested positive for HIV and
that I also needed to get tested. I
went to the doctor in the jail and they took blood and called me back 2 weeks
later and said I was HIV+. They didn’t
put me on any medication because they said I was ok for now but to seek a MD
when I was released. I did not go see a
doctor upon my release, I didn’t feel sick or look sick so what did I need a
doctor for?
I started using again because I
thought maybe I could forget about being HIV positive and it might just go
away. That unfortunately did not
happen. The meth made me believe that I
was not sick at all. The meth made me feel really good. Then that next year I
got very sick and I got a bump on my neck and it was growing and I started to
get very weak and coughing all the time, spiting up blood, and I started fainting a lot, and sweating in
the bed at night. I refused to go with
the ambulance 2 times because I knew in my heart I was dying and I didn’t want
to live any more, I did not want to be saved. Being suicidal in the past I
thought that this time I might finally get taken out of my misery.
I ended up being admitted into
emergency room after I fainted in a doctor’s office. They took lots and lots of tests. They gave
me a spinal tap and found out I was positive for Tuberculosis. After further tests, they told me I was full
blown AIDS. I stayed in that hospital
getting an IV meds for TB for 28 days. Then
they sent me to a hospice to die. I had 3 t-cells and a very high viral
load. They started me on HIV meds. And I was so sick all the time. When I was in hospice someone walked up to me
and asked me would I like to attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I said no, and that I did not have a
problem. I was living in denial. And I stayed in bed when the NA people came
up. I got out of Hospice 4 months later,
and I started using shortly after that.
I got off of the TB meds after 1 year.
I thought it would be easier to just die, and that’s what I wanted to
do.
The only way out from the streets
is death or recovery. Most people die in
their addiction, some of us get out just in time that is what happened to me, I
got off the streets right before I died, and it was a matter of days and my
behavior was starting to take a toll on me.
I was full blown AIDS, shooting up and wearing my body out so bad from
running the streets. The drugs took its
tolls on me and I was headed for a casket quickly. I was so tired of being sick and tired. I was so desperate for anything else. But I did not know what.
I got busted and went to court
and was offered a drug treatment program at first I said no, but the judge did
an intervention on me in her court room and after hearing what she had to say
to me about me I said yes that I would go to treatment. It took 21 days for the court to find a drug
program that would accept me due to my violent past, and my HIV status. I withdrew in jail for 20 days. When they
found one they called me back to court it was day 21. The judge released me but
said I was allowed to go back to my home and get some things and report to the
program at 9:00 am the next morning. Yes
it was a setup the repercussions for not reporting to drug rehab were 3 years
in state prison. When I got to my house
the locks were changed and I could not get in.
I went up to my old stomping grounds; I was going to go get loaded. But I picked up the pay phone and I called
the phone number on my court papers which
was the rehab and I told them what situation I was in. They told me to catch the bus to downtown LA
then take the bus over to South Central, so I did. At that moment I knew I was ready to start
recovery, and I became open minded and willing for something new, anything
except where I was at in my head, the self- made hell. When I got to the rehab there was a Narcotics
Anonymous meeting in progress and the lady told me to go attend the meeting and
come see her after the meeting so I did.
I remember all the recovery in that room that night and the one thing
that sticks in my mind all the time is
a man sharing that if nothing changes then nothing changes. My ears went straight up just like a German
Sheppard’s, as I listened. That’s when I
knew I had to change. And I also remember hearing keep coming back it works
when we work it.
My counselor told me that if
doing what you’re doing is not working then change it. In rehab I learned to place my true feelings
at center stage and to deal with them. I
also learned how to have the guts to face the truth about myself. I learned
that if I can’t get the 12 step program that I am still putting myself in
harm’s way. And to avoid harm’s way at all costs if I was to survive. I learned to feel from the inside out.
6 months into rehab I went to
court for a 6 month revaluation and the judge told me that I have done
everything I needed to do in a year’s time in 6 months. She asked me what I would do if she released
me today. I told her that I would
continue to go to meetings because I have found freedom from the streets and
from myself in the 12 step program.
She released me from rehab that day.
I called my mother and I ended up
going home from rehab to Colorado. I was
still very sick but not full blown AIDS, I was HIV+ now back over that line but
still very sick, and under the impression that I had 2 years more to live. I had to stay clean no matter what. At this point I wanted to die clean. I ended up taking AZT for three years. It made me feel very sick I developed a
chronic vomiting problem and my saliva glands ended up becoming destroyed and I
am thirsty all of the time now. I had to
attend online recovery meetings for the first six years of my recovery. My first go around with full blown AIDS was very
scary and I felt really bad.
I did a lot of soul searching
through the twelve steps. I realized that placing complete blame on the person
who infected me was wrong. I played a
part in contracting this disease by making the decisions to have unprotected
sex and use someone else’s needles. I
had my higher power forgive that person because I could not. Just one day I woke up and didn’t have a deep
hatred for that person anymore, and accepted my part in it completely.
I enrolled in college in
2009. I am in the Human Services program
and my concentration is addiction on a scholarship. Having this HIV has changed me and my whole
outlook on life. I take Truvada,
Prezista, and Norvir, and the only side effects I have are having a hard time
eating when I get up and being tired most of the time.
Along with the meds I see a
herbalist that study’s Chinese medicine and I take a lot of things to boost up
my immune system. I have found the right
combination for my size and my body weight. This herbalist is a professional
that helps me through his knowledge of Chinese medicine.
I finally have a normal
functioning life. I am in a relationship
with a man who is negative and I am very happy. I have a dog that loves me unconditionally. I am also skinny, but I don’t look
sick. I eat right and eat 4 smaller
meals a day. I eat a high protein diet
with a lot of fruit and vegetables.
Today I am living with AIDS/HIV not just dying from it. I have 210 t-cells and my viral load is
undetectable. I have just recovered from
full blown AIDS the second time. I am
coming up on twelve years clean from all substances in April. I feel pretty good for my numbers being low.
I share my story of addiction and
how I contracted this virus with high risk teens and adults often. Hopefully my story will reach just one
person who is considering experimenting with drugs and they will change their
mind, and not have to go down that destructive path that I did. I have done a lot of growing up since I
contracted HIV. My dreams include opening up a drug treatment center one day. Please always remember God does things through us, not to us.
Michelle White
A Day in the Life of My Body
After living with this virus for thirteen years I have
learned that I need plenty of rest and to eat very healthy foods in order to
feel decent. I have to be careful not to
eat fast foods or processed foods because I don’t feel good after eating
them. My body is in desperate need of
nutrition and rest.
I am open and honest about my HIV status. I tell a lot of people even though I don’t
have too. The majority of the people I
meet and tell are ok with it and very few hold it against me and discriminate against
me because of my HIV status. I do not
tell people at my school and some of my professors know my HIV status. It is really none of anybody’s business. Nobody has ever told me that they don’t like
me or not want to be around me because I am positive, never. I have also found
through these past thirteen years that the more a person becomes educated
around HIV the more they will understand what I am going through. Pretty much
it is up to me to open up to others and let them know how I am feeling in order
for them to understand because they don’t know and they cannot read my mind.
Every time I open up to another and let them know what I am feeling they
appreciate my level of honesty.
I have noticed in the past that people did not want to get
close to me, in fear that I would die and they would have to suffer a
loss. After knowing me for a while they
seem to get over this; Just my opinion of course, and my formed because of
observation over a period of time. A few
years back I was disclosing my HIV status a lot in a 12 step meeting and people
got uncomfortable with it and one person asked me not to share about it
anymore. I was completely offended and I
decided if I need to share about it that I would. I have always found when I share about my HIV
status that the stigma lessens its power over me. I am not ashamed, anymore. This is a terrible thing that another person
gave me because they could not be honest with me and tell me they had it, so I
got infected.
When classes are in secession, I get plenty of rest and eat
extremely well to stay strong. I take a
lot of zinc and vitamin C to stay healthy, since I am around a lot of
people. I do get sick every now and then
and get put on meds right away and have a better chance of a fast
recovery. I do get extremely tired
sometimes. My energy can just crash,
then I need to go to sleep for a while and recharge. While classes are in session it is completely
normal for me to take a nap every day for at least an hour. My little body is
completely overworked I push myself to the limit quite often. I want to accomplish this bachelor’s degree
if nothing else. Sometimes it completely
amazes me that I can put two thoughts together after the amount of drugs I have
taken within my life time.
I have been on meds like Sustiva in the past, and my memory
has become affected and my meds had to be changed. This regimen of meds I am on now with the
Truvada seems to have no bad effects on my memory. I do get these really bad headaches for the
Norvir. I take Naproxen for these and
try to get through the day as best as I can.
I have learned something very
helpful living with this disease and it is to plan ahead. What I do is when I am feeling really good I
cook some meals and freeze some for the days when I am feeling bad so I have
something good to eat on a bad day. I
complete school assignments before the date due because I never know how my
week is going to go. I live day by day
with this HIV and seem to have more good days then bad days, thank God. I have a caregiver that helps me with the
laundry and the cleaning and could help me to cooking if I ever needed it.
I am very grateful for the life
that I have now, even the HIV status. I
have been given a second chance at life and I am taking advantage of that. I do not feel sorry for myself anymore and I
am willing to take my meds every day and live the best life that I possibly
can. I have to spend a lot of money on
alternative medicine and that is ok today.
Fresh air, sunshine and pure water are all things my body so desperately
needs. I try my best to get the best of
these every day.
You see I am living with this
terrible virus not just dying from it.
HIV is a part of my life and always will be it is not the whole part of
me. I am a human being, I was dealt a
bad hand from my own bad choices and have made some significant life changes in
my life to get well, and my diet is a big part of that.
I had major issues with my teeth
and Aids project helped me to pay for them to get fixed. I would not have been able to get them fixed
otherwise. Aids project also offers me a
case manager so that I do not have to walk through this alone. The case manager is educated on the virus and
can answer any question I have concerning it.
If you have an AIDS project available to you in your area I would
strongly urge you to look into it.
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